That's all there is and there isn't anymore...I think. Maybe...

I don't know. I think I might be done. Giving up. Throwing in the towel. Poking the fat lady 'til she sings. I thought I could do this, but I look around in awe at all these amazing people around me. Don't measure up? I'm not even worthy of the same ruler. Not 'creatively' or 'professionally' or 'personally'. Some women are Mona Lisa, I'm finger paints.
I can't stay motivated, can't stay healthy, can't stay happy. I don't feel like doing anything. Care about something for a minute and then just burn out. Like, something will fire me up and I'll feel so strong and ready and then, I just sit and ache. If it's not physical pain, it's emotional and I think it's got me all broken.
So I've never been a 'social butterfly'. I still need people sometimes. Need to be around them and to laugh and play and think less. People even seem to like me a little, and that's really nice. I like lots of people, too. So, I'm lonely because...?
I'm just missing something. Everything just seems so damn hard. I don't know. I think I'm too much work. Or maybe I'm doing too much work. I am chasing, and that just doesn't sit well with me. Why do I have to do the work? If I want to be around people I enjoy being around, I have to go after them. Invite them, stalk them, prod them. Whatever. I hate it. I hate bothering people and I hate being incomplete so people won't know that I'm really not cool and I'm not really fun and I'm probably in tears even though they're seeing me smile. I hate feeling like if I stayed or went it really wouldn't matter. That sure, folks are happy to see me and some would even love to get in my pants, but if I wasn't around there would be someone as good or better to take my place. Probably better.
I ache with all this inside me and it can never come out. There isn't a place for it. Not in real life, not in SL, not in IW. How many other places can I put myself out there and find out the same thing? There isn't a place for me anywhere. So I think I just want to log out.
And then I get an IM, lol. How are you feeling? And I laugh, and I'm bawling and laughing at the same time and I think how stupid I am for being so down and selfish and self-involved and I wonder how long that feeling will last.
I hate whining and whiny people. I don't wanna be a whiny person. I don't want to quit but I don't know if I can find enough reasons to stay. I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for so I probably should just shut the hell up.
I can't seem to do that, either. Will practice.